I’m currently on a forced intermittent fast. This is because tomorrow I’ve got a health check and the check will involve a tube and a camera.

This will happen because, as the company I work for likes to point out to the people who hire them, “Dwayne is over 35” and because I’m on Japan’s national health care scheme, I’m entitled/required to take a physical every year.

One of the oddities is that it used to alternate between full physical and mere x-ray from year to year. However, the last couple years it’s been a more comprehensive check involving blood, x-rays, eye checks and peeing in cups.

Every now and then, though, I’m asked to do a stomach cancer test. There is, however, no good way to do this. Choice One is taking a gas tablet, drinking barium and getting placed on the medical equivalent of carnival ride and then getting spun, angled and rotated whilst being irradiated. That is followed by a long belch and a mad dash home before the barium solution decides to evacuate. That is followed by hours on the toilet waiting for the barium solution to finish exiting.

A few weeks after the earthquake and tsunami in 2011 I was told that I’d have to get a health check that included drinking barium solution. My response involved a shockingly profane version of “I would prefer not to”, because I didn’t want to get stuck in a train station during a rolling blackout and end up spending hours in a station toilet. Also, there was no guarantee I could get a taxi because of the restrictions on gasoline.

Tomorrow, though, I’ve opted for the upper endoscopy. I’ll get drugged and have a camera shoved down my throat. Because of that, I won’t be able to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon and then I probably won’t want to eat as I’ll probably have a sore throat and nausea. (Remember, this is for my health.)

In the end I’ll decide which is a better test, although I suspect they’ll both leave me feeling like crap. One literally, and one figuratively, of course.