Anyone who’s ever traveled long distances with my family quickly discovers three things: our kids travel pretty well; She Who Must Be Obeyed is learning to drive the proper way; and our brand new navigation system is an annoying bitch.

The girls play computer games, watch scenery and sleep. They don’t battle for territory and wonder if we’re there yet. I’ve never had to threaten to “go back there” or threaten to have SWMBO “turn this car around” (Note: I have had to do the latter on short trips to restaurants.)

She Who Must Be Obeyed has learned to drive much faster and more aggressively than before and this has led her to complain about other drivers. Most of the time the complaints are of the polite “can you believe that person?” style. I’m happy with her progress but want to work on her language. She needs more profanity and more contempt for other drivers. “Can you believe this person?” is a good start but I’m trying to get her to the “Wake up, Moron” phase which will eventually lead to the black belt level of “Move, asshole, move, move, move.” and other more appropriate phrases.

(Note: I don’t have a Japanese driver’s license yet because it’s a complicated process and I am lazy. Also, it’s probably best our girls don’t yet learn the phrases I’d use while driving.)

I bought the navigation system because, at the time, She Must Be Obeyed but was afraid to drive by herself. My helpful advice “follow the expressway until you hit Nagaoka then turn left” was not perceived as being helpful. Because she wouldn’t go without me as the navigation system, she either stayed home or spent several hundred dollars to take the train.

I thought the navigation system would be a step up from the days when I worked as the navigation system. (Let’s just say swearing and tossed maps was involved.) The Navi, however, has her own quirks. Her voice is polite but loud and she feels compelled to announce certain things, even helpful ones, with extra noises and a loud voice.

–digital trumpet fanfare—There’s an on-ramp ahead. Get in the right lane for your convenience.
–digital trumpet fanfare—There’s a service center on your left.
–digital trumpet fanfare—Turn left, moron.

That latter one is a bit of an exaggeration but after a couple hours of that even She Who Must Be Obeyed was saying “Yes, Mom” and “Okay, Mom” to the navigation system.

Also, if you don’t follow the navigation system’s advice she can be stubborn. “I won’t be ignored, Dwayne” (as if it’s my fault even though I’m not driving) and she’ll send us half way around town to get us back where she told us she wanted us.

Eventually, we got to the in-laws. The navigation system kept saying “Don’t I get a thank you? For all I do for you I don’t even get a thank you?”

I said “No” and unplugged her. We’ll see how angry she gets next time.