I didn’t think it would be this way, but it’s clear that your fiftieth birthday is a birthday you can’t ignore or pass off as “here we go again”. Turning 50 leaves marks.

I didn’t have much reaction to my thirtieth birthday, as I was actually kind of happy to reach thirty as it meant the symbolic end of the age 25-30 freak out that I and several of my friends went through. (Mine involved Albania, Mississippi, borderline stalking, a poet and moving to Japan. Long story.) (Note: the actual end of the freak out was a couple years later, although that is debatable.)

Turning forty was no big deal, although a few months after my birthday the physical switches started flipping off, starting with my eyesight, when I noticed I could no longer read the inscription on my wedding ring without a magnifying glass.

Fifty, though, won’t be ignored. I still don’t know how I feel about it, but saying “I’m in my fifties” resonates differently than “I’m in my forties.” There’s no way to say it where you can deny how old you are. Adding “early-” doesn’t seem to help that much. Being 50 also reminds you of all those childish things you haven’t put away even though you are hell and gone from being a child. (Note: I still spake, as a child, so to spake.)

Oddly, I could feel the stress of it coming, although I didn’t realize that’s what it was. I’ve been in diet/lifestyle change rebound, short-temper mode, and a state of drift that involves doing anything that’s not productive and doing it with great passion. My goal for most of November has been to accomplish as little as possible while spending as much energy as I can.

That said, I’m in reasonably good health. I’ve rebounded in weight some, but not disasterously so as my new clothes all still fit and now that the birthday’s come and gone, I can feel myself coming to terms with it, although the beer, Bordeaux and bourbon that’s been flowing the past couple days may explain that.

The next few days (more or less) of this blog will be devoted to New Year’s resolutions (or Rulin’s) which I now believe should be made on your birthday rather than in the dark recesses of winter (at least in the Northern Hemisphere) and one or two other fiftieth birthday related posts.