Author Archives: DELively

The Pain in the Train Mainly Drains

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As a rule, when I tell people I like to travel, I mean that I like BEING places. What I don’t like is GETTING places, even if it’s only a relatively short trip and even if I’m not doing the driving.

We returned from the in-laws today which meant we had to make a foray onto the Japanese train system. Even at its worst, the system is better than Amtrack, but we had the unfortunate experience of traveling during a phenomenon called “the U-turn Rush”.

The “U-Turn Rush” happens a few times of year at the end of major holidays. All the people who went on holiday, are now going back home. The expressways back up for 24 miles (42ish kilometers) and the trains can reach 200% capacity. Each time this happens, the Japanese press covers the rush as if it’s some kind of news. They send reporters to clogged train platforms and encourage tired travelers to tell their tales of woe. The interviews usually go like this:

Reporter–It was very crowded in the train, I think.
Traveler–Yes, it was very crowded.
Reporter–(to studio) As you can see, it was very crowded in the train.

The truth is, the only newsworthy thing would be if the trains WEREN’T crowded during a U-Turn Rush because that would mean no one had traveled.

What typically happens is Japan Rail sells as many tickets as it can. The reserved seats go quickly and then there’s a Battle Royale for the non-reserved seats. After those are gone, all remaining space in the train serves as standing room only space. I’ve personally been stuck in the little passage between train cars along with several dozen people. Non-reserved ticket holders will even stand in the aisles in the reserved seat cars.

In our case, we managed to get reserved seats on the shinkansen/bullet trains, but our second leg was on a notoriously crowded line. We couldn’t get reserved seats and instead we opted for a much slower local train. The problem with this train is that we end up sitting facing each other, which means my knees start to sing the blues. This train also fills up, but at least features a projection mapping show of sorts during the long series of tunnels on the route.

Even if I have a reserved seat on a train, the seats are not designed for people as tall as I am. Although they have more space between seats, the seats are narrow and a little low. My knees wait a while and then start in on the second verse.

When we finally get home we are drained, even though the trip has only been four hours or so. One of us volunteers to make coffee whilst the other falls asleep on the couch. Luckily, this time, I got to fall asleep.

What It Was, Was Football More Or Less

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Today I actually got to spend the morning watching American football on television. It kind of sucked. It was kind of exciting.

(Note: This is the violent chess version of football, not the game known as “kickball” in which men in short pants run around and occasionally fall down as if they’ve been shot even though no one is near them.)

Every January 3rd Japan hosts the Rice Bowl which is the national championship of American football in Japan. It features the top Japanese university team versus the top corporate sponsored team.

This year it was the Kwansei Gakuin University Fighters versus the Fujitsu Corporation Frontiers. Although Kwansei had already lost four Rice Bowls, including the last three in a row and were technically the underdogs and it’s very American to support the underdogs (at least until they start to suck), I decided to cheer for Fujitsu because my smartphone was made by Fujitsu.

The teams, especially the corporate team, are a mix of Japanese and foreign players. The rules tend to follow US university rules (if you fall after catching a pass you are down even if no one touches you) and only one foot in-bounds is required for a catch or a touchdown. The style and level of play remind me a lot of Division 1 AA teams in the USA. There are moments of incredibly crappy play broken up by truly brilliant moments. They also do lots of strange shifting BS before a kick off as if they’re about to do a free kick in the kickball version of football. There are also lots of trick plays.

Kwansei, for example, on second down and only inches (more than ten centimeters) from the goal line, opted to have a player run toward the line and then jump up as if he were about to hurdle the pile. Instead he tossed a lob/shovel pass to the tight end who was bolting to the back of the end zone. Unfortunately for Kwansei, the pass was off and although the tight end got his fingers on it, he couldn’t pull it in. The next play they ran the the same play but forgot to tell the tight end and the ball sailed out the endzone. The very next play, fourth down, they finally tried to muscle the ball through on the ground and got stuffed for a loss. Fujitsu got the ball.

(Note: I am aware there are European readers who did not understand anything the previous paragraph. Sorry.)

However, the very next play a freshman intercepted a long pass and Kwansei was finally able to score.

Unfortunately for Kwansei, Fujitsu had an excellent kicker and an excellent American running back and they are now five time losers.

I had a great time watching the game, though. I also had fun trying to explain the rules to my in-laws.

Miles and Miles of Miles and Miles

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New Year’s is one of the few times Japanese sit down and watch sports as a family. Unfortunately, the most popular sport for this is Marathon Relay.

Also unfortunately, the networks insist on covering every minute live in real time. All five hours of it.

To the uninitiated, marathon relay (or ekiden) is a 100 km (63ish mile) long relay where five to seven runners run legs of various distances and pass of a sash that represents their team. During the new year holiday, there are two major ekidens, one of which happens over two days.

First is the New Year Ekiden, which takes place in Gunma on New Year’s Day and features teams representing different companies. We watched a bit this year because the company where She Who Must Be Obeyed works part time had a team running. (They stunk the place up and I’m not going to allow She Who Must Be Obeyed to work there anymore. Or, more specifically, I suggested they weren’t worth her awesomeness and she should find employment elsewhere.)

January 2nd and 3rd see the running of the Hakone Ekiden. This is the granddaddy of all ekidens and is run between 20 universities and a special team made up of representatives from the loser universities that didn’t make the top 20. Oddly, this team only runs for pride and experience as their time doesn’t count and they can’t win.

The Hakone ekiden starts in downtown Tokyo and finishes in the resort town of Hakone 108 or so kilometers away. The final leg (the fifth of five) is a mountain climb that breaks lots of runners. The winners of day one get a special prize and an early start on day two when five different runners run the relay back to Tokyo.

The race is somewhat controversial as only a certain number of foreign runners are allowed on each time and those runners aren’t allowed in the first and final legs so that cameras get to see a Japanese cross the finish line.

Despite the lack of any action (in defense of the sport, at least, unlike baseball, there is constant movement) the network deploys a shocking number of fixed and mobile cameras that put the audience in the middle of the race. If a runner stumbles, the network has cameras all over it and the announcer and color commentator begin shouting “Look! Look! Something actually happened! Something actually happened!” (Something like that.)

Today a runner barely managed to run the final few steps. He fell down several times but kept getting up until he finally staggered through the tape. It made for a great highlight reel, but not for a great television event.

The Only Way to Lose is to Not be Famous Enough to Play

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The best way to win money on a game show in Japan is to already be famous.

One quirk of Japanese TV is that, with a few exceptions, the game shows are populated by celebrities. For example, Japan’s version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire had a mostly celebrities and a few ordinary people. There’s also a show called Panel Quiz Attack 25 (yes, its real name) which features ordinary people playing the game, and there used to be a game where a father had to learn how to juggle boxes, or shoot baskets, or carry soba boxes across obstacles on bicycle for $10,000 dollars in prizes, but for the most part, everything else is played by celebrities.

What’s also different is the celebrities aren’t earning money for their favorite charities; they are actually playing to win cash for themselves (or actually their management agencies) and are excited when they win the cash.

There are a lot of reasons for this. One reason, or perhaps theory, is that Japanese aren’t supposed to attract attention to themselves. To go on a show and win lots of money is the ultimate act of standing out and selfishness in a country where everyone is supposed to blend in and contribute to the group.

That said, I don’t actually believe this reason is as important as some people have said it is.

The other reason, and the reason I believe, is that being a Japanese celebrity sucks. Japan’s celebrity culture is basically Hollywood back when actors worked for the studios and not for themselves. As a result, actors earn a salary from their managers and not from their commercial and acting contracts. I remember hearing that one member of what was, at the time, the hottest singing group in Japan, made barely $40,000 per year despite a busy schedule and several number one hits.

Because of this, actors and comedians and models are forced into as many jobs as possible. This includes game shows, commercials, TV dramas and the occasional movie. Because it’s possible to do more commercials than movies, most Japanese actors do commercials and work in television. To have an actor work exclusively in movies, like the late, great Ken Takakura, is very rare. It’s also rare for such an actor to have a respected name in Japan.

The result is that you see the same faces all the time and, in an odd way, get to know them. You learn who hates cucumbers and who is afraid of heights. In fact, there used to be a talk show where celebrities would eat four dishes, including something they hated, and the other celebrity had to guess which was the hated food.

You also figure out pretty quickly, who you wish would go away. Luckily, that happens pretty quickly in Japan. (But that’s another post.)

Drinking in the New Year and Ringing

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One of the things that surprises the Japanese is that New Year’s isn’t that big a deal in the West. It’s mostly a chance for parents to drink away the stress from Christmas and post-Christmas present replacement and for young people to have an excuse to drink heavily. (Not that much of an excuse is needed four young people to drink.)

In Japan, though, New Year’s is a much bigger celebration. It’s one of the two celebrations where family return home and the only celebration when television shuts down its regular programming and has nothing but endless New Year’s specials. (This includes reruns of last year’s specials as a way to setup this year’s specials.)

Because the television is mostly crap, people end up doing unusual things like “talking with their families” and “eating” and “drinking heavily.”

In fact, for the last few hours I’ve done nothing but eat and drink and, believe it or not, talk in Japanese. (It’s 9:20 p.m. on the 31st as I write.) I’ve now got a glass of Booker’s 125.9 proof bourbon at my side which means it’s the perfect time to write this post. (Since my brother-in-law brought the bourbon, it also means my in-laws are totally international.)

It also means my Japanese is at awesome level, or at least I believe it is.

The biggest television event of the season is playing on television as I write. It’s the annual Red and White Music Contest where the most popular singers and groups of the year perform for four hours in a “men” (white team) versus “women” (red team) contest. Also included are several Enka singers, who are not popular at all, but are necessary to give retired people a reason to watch. Inexplicably, for reasons I still don’t understand, the men often win. The prize is only bragging rights.

After midnight, it’s tradition to travel to various Buddhist temples and help ring the temple bells 108 times (each person only rings three times). The number of rings represents the 108 human sins in Buddhist belief and ringing the bells helps purify people for the start of the year. (For the record, I believe I’m at around 85 sins; so much to do, so little time.)

The next morning is spent drinking sake and eating ozoni, a kind of vegetable soup with rice cakes. I plan to eat three rice cakes—each is about the size of a deck of cards.

Last, all the kids get otoshidama, or New Year’s money from relatives. This is envelopes full of cash (with amounts based on relationships).

The final tradition is She Who Must Be Obeyed and I seizing large portions of the money and putting into savings for the girls. This is followed by fending off accusations of theft from our girls.

That’s tomorrow though. Until then, Happy New Year!

Ruin the Snacks Ruin the Holiday Ruin the Company

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It’s hard to believe that a few trays full of snacks could break an entire company, but in Japan it’s been known to happen. The more popular the company in the West, the more likely it is to happen.

First you have to keep in mind that Japan is one of the only countries where Nokia failed; where Blackberry never caught on; and where Ebay failed (although that’s because the Japanese had yet to discover credit cards and accessed the internet over their cellphones).

A few years back Groupon attempted to get a foothold in Japan. It had some early success, but the Japanese were always rather suspicious of it. The Japanese don’t necessarily clip coupons and because prices for the same item tend to be the same from store to store, they aren’t used to shopping around. In fact, the only coupons they regularly use are those offered by McDonalds and other fast food places through smartphone apps.

Groupon’s early success came with a lot of problems. Clients complained about the number of “coupons” being offered versus what they thought would be offered and that there was little repeat business from coupon users.

The killer, though, came over New Year’s snacks. One of Japan’s staple New Year’s traditions is the serving of Osechi, which is a kind of tray of snacks that remind me a lot of the Hickory Farms cheese and sausage and cracker sets people used to buy as last minute gifts. (And, for all I know, may still buy.)

The osechi is set out before dinner and consists of random cold foods, including chestnuts, spicy shrimp and teriyaki chicken. Although there is some variation, there are also several traditional foods expected in each tray.

Groupon sold a coupon for osechi and apparently enough people signed up that it broke the provider. Rather than cancel, the provider sent half-filled trays, some with single slices of ham from a plastic package from the grocery store, some with things that were flat out gross.

The angry reaction was big enough that it began to hurt Groupon. As I’ve said before, no one piles on like the Japanese press. They found every complaint ever issued against Groupon and interviewed lots of unsatisfied customers.

This prompted the CEO of Groupon to say something resembling an apology via a video. The backlash against this was bigger than the osechi scandal. To point out the biggest issues:

First: Video.
Second: His attitude was one part dismissive, one part “besides, it’s not my fault” and one part “Lighten up, Francis.”
Third: Clearly no one had briefed him about how big a deal New Year’s celebrations are in Japan.Christmas is no big deal. New Year’s is to the Japanese what Christmas is in the West. If you’re in the USA, add both Christmas and Thanksgiving to get the importance.
Fourth: Clearly no one had briefed him about the importance of apologies in Japan. As I’ve mentioned before, you can accidentally kill people whilst joy-riding in a submarine and an apology will help turn the public to your side here in Japan. If he’d come to Japan in person and done a proper apology and then spent a lot of money to make things right, Groupon might still be around.

Instead, the fall out was brutal. Groupon is gone from Japan and almost no one has attempted the group coupon model again.

Luckily, osechi is still around. I’ll be enjoying it (whilst fighting for the Chili Shrimp) tomorrow.

Rally the Troops Toward the Train

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Today I had the odd responsibility of getting three different females out the door on time so that we could catch a series of trains.

She Who Must Be Obeyed complicated things by having to work in the morning. That left me to rally our girls. The “rallying” involved several steps, including telling them to pack their own day bags. I didn’t repeat this as I couldn’t care less if they carried their own stuff or not.

However, as they packed, I pointed out that neither She Who Must Be Obeyed nor I would carry anything that belonged to them. They should therefore choose carefully.

This prompted a bit of rethinking on their part.

The next stage involved reminding our oldest to clean the bath and reminding her that snapping at me for interrupting her was NOT an acceptable response to such a request.

I reminded our youngest that she’d probably want her new Nintendo 3DS on the train and that draining the battery at home was probably a bad idea. She plugged in the power cord and kept playing.

Somewhere in there I made lunch, which amounted to cleaning out random leftovers and encouraging the girls to finish them. (In my defense, these were my orders from She Who Must Be Obeyed.)

Eventually, She Who Must Be Obeyed returned from work and finished the last of the leftovers. I then had the job of getting her out the door along with the other two. This involved getting shoes ready and asking why the washing machine was running only 15 minutes before we were scheduled to leave. (There’s a long explanation for why it was running; short version: girls.)

We managed to leave on time, which was a disappointment to me as we were actually on schedule to leave early until the washing machine somehow got involved and my daughter decided to do her hair.

I the end I waited until everyone was out the door and then put on my shoes and locked the front door.

Our youngest then had the nerve to say I was slow getting ready.

Sitting in the Corner Waiting for the Dance

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Tomorrow we head off to visit the in-laws for a few days. This means I’m at risk of gaining a lot of weight.

I’ve mentioned before how the in-laws tend to start handing us beer and food as soon as we arrive. This will be especially true tomorrow as we will be arriving at supper time. This means we get to combine exhaustion and general crankiness with sudden carbo-load and beer. Even though we are at a house, my in-laws continue the Japanese tradition of everyone pouring beer for everyone else. I can be forced–through courtesy oddly enough–to drink even when I’ve had enough simply because someone sees I have an almost empty glass and points a bottle at me.

To make matters worse, the glasses are barely twice the size of a shot glass. One sip nearly empties it and encourages someone to pour me more. I then enter this odd dance of trying to eat whilst simultaneously drinking and offering my glass to be filled.

If this only lasted one night, it would be awesome. Unfortunately this dance continues the second night and the night after. I’ve slowly convinced them I don’t need beer at every meal and that slows things down. (They seem to interpret  “don’t need beer at every meal” as “don’t need AS MUCH beer at every meal.”)

Once I’ve got things slowed down, they trick me. They move the entire dance to a restaurant. This means there’s more beer and even more food.

Because it’s the new year, the drinking and eating will be especially heavy and there will be extra people around taunting my inner introvert. (This is also a trick, as it inspires me to drink more.) I’ll have to be pleasant and engaging and won’t have any place to escape to–at least not that’s heated.

By the time I get home, I’ll be ready for a diet, and, counter-intuitively, a drink.

 

Camera Bags on a Train; Moron on the Platform

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I once left my camera bag on a train. Unfortunately, I got it back a few days later with everything intact.

In 2000, a few months after I moved to Tokyo, I joined a photography class run by Andy Barker–who has a terrific photo book about Kamakura, if you can find it. After a photoshoot, a group of us were riding back to Shinjuku station and, for various complicated reasons, I was carrying two bags. I set my camera bag on the overhead rack, talked with fellow students, and then got off the train in Shinjuku.

I was half way up the stairs when I realized I’d left my camera bag on the train.

Now, the smart thing to do would have been to hop on a faster train that would have put me ahead of the train my camera bag was on. I could have then easily walked over and plucked it off the rack with only minor inconvenience.

However, if you’re a regular reader of this blog you know that “the smart thing” is rarely my first choice in most situations.

Instead, my Japanese travel companion led me to the station master’s office where I described my bag and its contents, what car it was in and what time I’d arrived. They then informed other stations whose workers, in theory, actually boarded the train to find my camera bag.

Instead, I went home without my camera bag, my camera and my cellphone. I called my provider and had my cellphone disabled and started deciding what camera I was going to buy to replace the one I’d lost.

A couple days later, we got a call from Japan Rail explaining the bag had been found and that I needed to come pick it up . Unfortunately, I was working that night and She Who Must Be Obeyed went to get it. I gave her a detailed list of contents and she pondered it and went “Why do you need so much crap?” (or maybe it was “You owe me” or something like that.)

She was able to retrieve the bag despite her being a Japanese woman whilst the owner of the bag being an American man.

Nothing was missing and I had to delay my camera purchase. I remain surprised that I got everything back in one piece.

The Bag Marks the Spot and Brings the Anger

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If I were less paranoid, I’d probably get to sit down more often. I’d also be a lot more calm.

The other day, before the party where I ran into former students, I decided I needed some coffee and something sweet right after I arrived in Ikebukuro. I therefore went to the Cafe du Monde for coffee and beignets. (Although this is a cliche thing to do if you’re in New Orleans, in Tokyo it counts as cross-cultural contamination, or something like that.)

When I walked in, there were a handful of tables available. My gut and experience told me that I should drop my bag off on one of the tables, but my paranoid self said “Are you insane?” My gut and experience said that the bag would be fine if I left it. My paranoid self It pointed out there was no line so I was probably safe. My gut and experience said “Are you insane?”

By the time I got my coffee and my flag, the chairs had been claimed by other people’s bags.

This is a common occurrence in Japan and is not considered rude. There may be a dozen people in line ahead of you and only one table left, but the 13th person in line is allowed to claim the seat with a bag or a scarf. Even if it were safe to do this in most countries, I still consider it rude, especially if there’s a long line. It seems to me no different than cutting in line to get served first. However, in Japan they seem to assume that you’re smart enough to know how to reserve your seat and have probably already done so. If you’re not smart enough, then, well, stand.

The only seats available in Cafe du Monde that afternoon were in the smoking section. I stood around waiting for a table. I was quietly swearing under my breath. (Yes, believe it or not, quietly.) Luckily, one of the staff asked around and someone removed his bag from a chair he’d been using as bag storage and I got a seat.

I had a lot of time to kill so I stayed around for a while. I got to see several tables open up and immediately get occupied by bags. I quietly swore at each person who did that.