The best way to win money on a game show in Japan is to already be famous.

One quirk of Japanese TV is that, with a few exceptions, the game shows are populated by celebrities. For example, Japan’s version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire had a mostly celebrities and a few ordinary people. There’s also a show called Panel Quiz Attack 25 (yes, its real name) which features ordinary people playing the game, and there used to be a game where a father had to learn how to juggle boxes, or shoot baskets, or carry soba boxes across obstacles on bicycle for $10,000 dollars in prizes, but for the most part, everything else is played by celebrities.

What’s also different is the celebrities aren’t earning money for their favorite charities; they are actually playing to win cash for themselves (or actually their management agencies) and are excited when they win the cash.

There are a lot of reasons for this. One reason, or perhaps theory, is that Japanese aren’t supposed to attract attention to themselves. To go on a show and win lots of money is the ultimate act of standing out and selfishness in a country where everyone is supposed to blend in and contribute to the group.

That said, I don’t actually believe this reason is as important as some people have said it is.

The other reason, and the reason I believe, is that being a Japanese celebrity sucks. Japan’s celebrity culture is basically Hollywood back when actors worked for the studios and not for themselves. As a result, actors earn a salary from their managers and not from their commercial and acting contracts. I remember hearing that one member of what was, at the time, the hottest singing group in Japan, made barely $40,000 per year despite a busy schedule and several number one hits.

Because of this, actors and comedians and models are forced into as many jobs as possible. This includes game shows, commercials, TV dramas and the occasional movie. Because it’s possible to do more commercials than movies, most Japanese actors do commercials and work in television. To have an actor work exclusively in movies, like the late, great Ken Takakura, is very rare. It’s also rare for such an actor to have a respected name in Japan.

The result is that you see the same faces all the time and, in an odd way, get to know them. You learn who hates cucumbers and who is afraid of heights. In fact, there used to be a talk show where celebrities would eat four dishes, including something they hated, and the other celebrity had to guess which was the hated food.

You also figure out pretty quickly, who you wish would go away. Luckily, that happens pretty quickly in Japan. (But that’s another post.)

It’s hard to believe that a few trays full of snacks could break an entire company, but in Japan it’s been known to happen. The more popular the company in the West, the more likely it is to happen.

First you have to keep in mind that Japan is one of the only countries where Nokia failed; where Blackberry never caught on; and where Ebay failed (although that’s because the Japanese had yet to discover credit cards and accessed the internet over their cellphones).

A few years back Groupon attempted to get a foothold in Japan. It had some early success, but the Japanese were always rather suspicious of it. The Japanese don’t necessarily clip coupons and because prices for the same item tend to be the same from store to store, they aren’t used to shopping around. In fact, the only coupons they regularly use are those offered by McDonalds and other fast food places through smartphone apps.

Groupon’s early success came with a lot of problems. Clients complained about the number of “coupons” being offered versus what they thought would be offered and that there was little repeat business from coupon users.

The killer, though, came over New Year’s snacks. One of Japan’s staple New Year’s traditions is the serving of Osechi, which is a kind of tray of snacks that remind me a lot of the Hickory Farms cheese and sausage and cracker sets people used to buy as last minute gifts. (And, for all I know, may still buy.)

The osechi is set out before dinner and consists of random cold foods, including chestnuts, spicy shrimp and teriyaki chicken. Although there is some variation, there are also several traditional foods expected in each tray.

Groupon sold a coupon for osechi and apparently enough people signed up that it broke the provider. Rather than cancel, the provider sent half-filled trays, some with single slices of ham from a plastic package from the grocery store, some with things that were flat out gross.

The angry reaction was big enough that it began to hurt Groupon. As I’ve said before, no one piles on like the Japanese press. They found every complaint ever issued against Groupon and interviewed lots of unsatisfied customers.

This prompted the CEO of Groupon to say something resembling an apology via a video. The backlash against this was bigger than the osechi scandal. To point out the biggest issues:

First: Video.
Second: His attitude was one part dismissive, one part “besides, it’s not my fault” and one part “Lighten up, Francis.”
Third: Clearly no one had briefed him about how big a deal New Year’s celebrations are in Japan.Christmas is no big deal. New Year’s is to the Japanese what Christmas is in the West. If you’re in the USA, add both Christmas and Thanksgiving to get the importance.
Fourth: Clearly no one had briefed him about the importance of apologies in Japan. As I’ve mentioned before, you can accidentally kill people whilst joy-riding in a submarine and an apology will help turn the public to your side here in Japan. If he’d come to Japan in person and done a proper apology and then spent a lot of money to make things right, Groupon might still be around.

Instead, the fall out was brutal. Groupon is gone from Japan and almost no one has attempted the group coupon model again.

Luckily, osechi is still around. I’ll be enjoying it (whilst fighting for the Chili Shrimp) tomorrow.

Although I spent a lot of time in history of Christianity classes at university and know that the “X” in “Xmas” is ancient shorthand for “Christ” and not some secular conspiracy, it still bothers me a bit that the Japanese use “Xmas” instead of “Christmas”.

First it bothers me that in most of the government approved English textbooks “Xmas” is offered as an appropriate example of a word that starts with X. For example: “V is for Violence; W is for Whiskey; X is for Xmas; Y is for Yelling,” (Which, now that I think about it, is a lot like shopping on Black Friday.) I keep pointing out that “X-ray” or “xylophone” would be better but then get thrown out of the discussions.

Beyond that it’s surprising how easily the religious aspects are removed from the celebration. It’s all Santa and snowmen and reindeer and no hints at all of what the X stands for. I make sure our girls know the actual history of Christmas, but it’s not a holiday here; it’s more like Valentine’s Day. (In fact, She Who Must Be Obeyed will be working tomorrow.) It’s mostly an excuse to put up lights and buy cake.

Speaking of cake, I’m also bothered that everyone asks me what kind of cake I ate at Christmas when I was growing up. I tell them I didn’t eat cake and they give me skeptical looks and go “really?” as if I’m lying to them. Eventually I go all Grinch meets Frank Booth and say “Christmas cake? F@#k that sh#t! Pecan pie!” This surprises many of my Japanese friends. (Remind me again: why don’t I get invited to parties?)

The final thing that bothers me about Japanese Christmas is the constantly played, yet limited array of Christmas pop songs including the shockingly inappropriate “Last Christmas” by WHAM!

Last Christmas:
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special.

That puts you right in the Christmas spirit, eh? (It’s right up there with singing “I Will Always Love You” and “My Heart Will Go On” at a wedding.) Then we get Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” a few thousand times and John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” several hundred times. There are a few good Japanese Christmas tunes and a couple inexplicable ones. Kaela Kimura’s “A Winter Fairy is Melting a Snowman” is especially creepy as all it does is repeat the title endlessly.

That said, the girls are still young enough to enjoy Christmas and it’s a nice pause before the onslaught of beer and food at the in-laws (more on that in another post).

Bah! Humbug.

After you’ve been in Japan a while you discover, much to your surprise, that the game Rock, Paper, Scissors is a martial art and that you suck at it.

The Japanese even give it a name: Janken (pronounce like John Ken) which ranks it up there with Karate and Judo. In the West we merely describe the basic parts. If we did the same with Karate and Judo in the West, Karate would be “punch kick throw” and Judo would be “try to grab uniform, try to grab uniform, grab uniform, throw, argue with referee”. (Something like that.)

The basics are the same: rock beats scissors beats paper beats rock in that endless Mobius strip of winning and losing. The players start with a similar gesture, but whereas in the West we say something like “Rock, Paper, Scissors 1-2-3” the Japanese have a chant that translates to “First we are stones.” Then they say “JohnKen pone” and throw rock, paper or scissors. Draws get another chant which translates to roughly “Looks like a tie!” with the new throw happening on “tie”.

At this point, however, once the basics are mastered, the martial art moves to the black belt level. On a one on one level, the Japanese add another move. The winner points at the loser and says “Look this way”. On “way”, the loser turns her head as the winner points left, right, up or down. If the loser looks the same way the winner points, it’s another loss.

From this point, the martial art moves on to the multiple black belt level with group “Janken”. The most I’ve ever seen play at once is 10 people. They form a circle and start playing and they are so good at they can figure out in moments who has lost. I tried it once, got yelled at for slowing down the process and just gave up. I was like “To hell with this. I don’t want the last cookie anyway.”

Finally, the Japanese add a bit of the old ultra-violence to the martial art (which is what makes it martial). In the most famous version, the winner tries to pick up a plastic hammer or paper tube and hit the loser whilst the loser attempts to pick up a helmet or bucket and cover his head. It looks something like this: (I suspect this was happening in either math or English class.)

I’ve learned a few tricks in my years in Japan and can hold my own, especially if I’m playing best three out of five, but I still avoid making any big decisions this way.

I’ve always maintained that if you want to learn everything there is to know about a country you need to view its dirty videos. In Japan, though, what you learn isn’t always that good, especially when you see them filmed while riding the train.

Soon after I moved to Tokyo, I was riding the train back to my apartment in Eastern Tokyo. I was sitting at the front of the second car, which gave me a window into the first car. While I was sitting there minding my own business, I saw a camera flash from the first car.  When I glanced over, I saw a couple men groping a woman right near the window.

I went into “get ready to call the police mode”, and then I saw a second flash and the video camera. Eventually the scene got a little more revealing and involved cellphone antennas and the woman pretending to fight back. A lot of Japanese dirty movies (ahem, so I’ve heard) involve groping and rape and domination. Seeing it on the train was especially disturbing.

Eventually they stopped, which meant they were probably getting ready to get out a station and film the next part.

Another time, many years later, I happened to look down the train car and saw a scene pretty much straight out of Seinfeld: a woman wearing a bra as a top. This itself wasn’t particularly disturbing, it was the fact she was dressed as a school girl. She and her entourage got out the train almost as soon as I noticed so I never saw exactly what was going on, but I’m guessing a camera was involved.

Now, however, such scenes are illegal as a few years ago Japan passed a law banning public displays of, um, simulated affection and public nudity. A model and her photographer got in trouble soon after the law was passed for shooting a photo book on the streets late at night when no one was around. The photo book itself was evidence of the crime.

This is all probably for the best, but I can’t help but think that somewhere in Japan there is a photo of me on the cover of a dirty movie. I’ve probably got a “what the hell is this” look on my face.