For reasons I don’t fully understand, I’ve always had a strange connection to soccer. Jim Millinder, my cousin twice, or thrice or quadrice (?) removed was on the US U-20 team in 1976 and played in the now defunct North American Soccer League and the Major Indoor Soccer League and has had a long career as a coach.

When I was in elementary school, as I’ve mentioned before, some NASL player from Europe (or some other place with funny accents) visited Hayden, Colorado on a publicity tour and taught us a few things about the game and patiently answered our questions. (My brilliant question: Why do goalies wear different uniforms?)

Then, at university, mostly because someone held a gun to my head, I played intramural soccer with my fraternity. I played defense and my only skills were 1) the offside trap and 2) getting burned spectacularly by anyone with even basic soccer ability. Also, the one time I played forward I verified the ability of my, um, naughty bits to withstand blunt-force trauma which, in its own odd way, is a skill.

I bring this up to establish my bonafides because today marks the start of the World Cup which is, to my eye, a very schizophrenic beast. First, it’s divided into two halves: the group phase and the elimination round. This is because, after four years of play, the powers what are at FIFA still can’t figure out who the best 16 teams are so they invite 32, put them into eight groups of four and let them play each other. The problem is, that once a team has qualified, they pretty much stop playing in order to preserve their best players and keep them from getting penalties. This means there’s at least one game with lots of running about hither and thither in the field, but not much of interest going on. The best 16 teams then play a single elimination tournament that is actually quite entertaining because, at long last, after four years and three extra matches, every match finally counts.

The other problem the World Cup has is the tendency of players to take a dive every time an opposing player gets near them and/or uses harsh language. This slows the game down–remember, all they are doing is running around in a field anyway–and, quite frankly, makes the best players in the world look like a bunch of shin-grabbing wussies.

I would, therefore, like to propose a few changes to help spice up the World Cup and make it more interesting, especially if the powers what are insist on keeping the group phase.

First, if any player takes an obvious dive, the referee is authorized to kick the body part being clutched by the crybaby poser.

Second, any player who falls down and acts as if he’s been shot in the face, will actually be shot in the face by the referee.

Third, the physical red cards will be eliminated and replaced with Tasers to eliminate excessive protesting by player being sent off.

Fourth, the offside rule will be eliminated, but the defenders and the goalie will be authorized to use body checks, holds and trips to defend the goal.

Fifth, penalty kicks will begin with the goalie and the kicker sitting back to back halfway between the ball and the goal.

Sixth, rival countries may use any World Cup match to officially resolve any territorial disputes.

Seventh, during the slow part of the group phase, or during outbreaks of boring defensive play, cameras will immediately switch to identifying attractive people in the crowd. The team with the most attractive fans may add two goals to their goal differential.

Eighth, as used to be tradition, at least one half of each match will be played rugby football style.

I think these suggestions speak for themselves and I look forward to seeing them implemented in 2018, especially if I can get myself appointed FIFA commissioner in time.