If last time I was communing with ghosts, today I’m channeling my inner seventh grader and longing for the glory days of Japan’s late night television.

Japanese late night broadcast television used to be a cesspool of skin, raunch and over-sexualized dramas. In other words, it was an awful lot of fun. Unfortunately, times change and Japan, under pressure to improve the image of the image it presents of women, began to clean up. Mind you, the status of women hasn’t improved–it took Japan 30 years to approve the birth control pill; but only six months to approve Viagra.–just the presentation.

Before this change, Japanese TV had such gems as Gilgamesh Night, which was hosted (hostessed?) by women porn stars. It was modeled after an ordinary talk show but featured such unique segments as “Lingerie Photo Break” which featured a scantily clad photo shoot and “Bathtub Cinema” which featured naked women in baths reviewing current movies. (Don’t look at me like that. It was more fun to watch than Rex Reed and infinitely more intelligent.)

Late night also featured Tonight2, which was a news program that followed the more prurient side of life in Tokyo. Instead of Valentine’s Day stories such as  “what kinds of chocolate are good girls getting their boys?”, it presented what the strip clubs, soap lands and hostess clubs were doing special for Valentine’s Day. It was also the only Japanese show I’ve ever seen present the dark and lonely side of the hostess and soap land life. Unfortunately, it cleaned up and started doing reports on ramen noodle shops that seemed disturbingly similar to day time television.

There was also Miniskirt Police, (link probably Not Safe for Work) which only existed to put young models in skimpy fetish outfits and put them in events that resulted in lots of up-skirt shots and revealing accidents. As twisted as it was, it was more honest about what it was doing than the Miss Teen Pageants.

The ultimate TV show, though, was Super Jockey (please pause for a moment of silent genuflection). Super Jockey was the ultimate infomercial. Young models and singers, usually women, would come on the show to advertise their latest photo book or album. In order to do so, they had to change into bathing suits quickly and then subject themselves to scalding hot water. Every second they spent in the tank earned them time to talk about what they were selling.

Allow me to offer a couple Not Safe for Work clips that feature women who went on to be quite successful  in Japan. The short clip is actress and singer Emiri Henmi. The longer clip, which shows the full process, is Yuka, who became a popular model, actress and talk show host. You don’t need to understand Japanese to understand what is going on and what’s being sold.

The best part about Super Jockey is it was on at 1:00 p.m. on Sundays.

However, for better and for worse, all this has gone away and Japan has proven that the line between “mature” and “boring” is quite thin indeed. The result is an endless supply of news programs and sports programs that all cover the same stories, and unfunny comedy shows hosted by unfunny comedians. For example, a few years ago, Sekai no Nabeatsu was the hottest comedian in Japan because when he counted he made funny sounds on numbers with three in them or that were divisible by three. (Here’s a taste, you only need to watch the first couple minutes. You don’t need to understand Japanese to see how stupid it is.) That routine earned him his own talk show. Luckily, fame in Japan for even the hottest comedians is quite fleeting.

There are a few saving graces. Japan hasn’t discovered the endless array of staged “reality” shows that infect US television. There were a couple versions of Survivor, but those went away. There’s also a comedy competition modeled after “X Factor”. A few retro-style shows are even beginning to slip back in. There’s a “let’s find the best beach resort in the world” infomercial that’s basically an excuse to show international models in bathing suits. And there’s a Friday night drama with story lines that alternate between raunchy, funny and raunchy/funny.

Although there’s hope, I’m afraid to say that Japanese television has become a nice place to raise a child. At least it appears to be one.