The Olympics ended with a few pleasant surprises and no small amount of Canadian tears.

USA winning gold medal in Men’s Curling: A

Number of Americans who care: >100

Number of Canadians who care: Many Many Many

Number of depressed Canadians: Many Many Many

Odds that Canadian Prime Minister Socksy Dancer will have to resign: Strong

Canadian losing to Germany in Men’s Hockey: F (For Canadians); Who cares? (For everyone else.)

Canada winning bronze: D- (for Canadians); Who cares? (For everyone else.)

Canadian team questioning goal and calling for video replay: F

Canadian announcer questioning Canadian teams questioning of goal: push

Video replay in hockey: F for WTF?

Odds of Canadian Government investigation into team selection process: High

Odds Canadian Prime Minister Socksy Dancer will be beheaded: push

Japan’s women making Curling final four: A

Japan winning bronze: A

Great Britain going for win only to lose: push

Yoshida Chinami: A

Takagi Nana’s gold in speed skating: A

Japan getting 13 medals (which is more than Nagano total): A

 

Closing Ceremony
Score: Automatic F

US uniforms: B+

Japan’s uniforms: B (the blue and gray hats and scarves were odd but looked good with red coat).

Thirteen year old guitar player: A-

Electric bungee TRON boys: F for WTF?

Drone formations: B+

Drone swarms: C

Forgetting lessons of the The Terminator: F

The Terminator: A

Every Terminator movie after The Terminator: F

Linda Hamilton in The Terminator: A

Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2: Judgement Day: A-

K-Pop: B

Endless K-Pop in closing ceremony: F

Image Mapping: A

On shadow dancers: A

Dancing in the shadows: A

“Shadow Dancing”: C

All this and nothing more: F

’70s references: F

Of songs you didn’t even like: F

Confusing “Shadow Dancing” with “Slow Dancing”: F

Johnny Rivers: B

Andy Gibb: B-

Dying young: F

Speeches: Automatic F.

That’s all for now. The next Olympics, in 2020, will be in Tokyo which will add a level of intensity to the proceedings.

Until then, take care and have fun.

 

The short hiatus is over and that means it’s time to deal with a few Olympic Scandals.

Katie Couric’s comments on people in the Netherlands skating to work: F

Katie Couric opening mouth to speak: F

Japan winning gold medal in Pursuit: A

Japan exceeding Nagano medal tally: A

South Korean pursuit skaters bullying teammate during and after race: F

South Korean’s bullying Canadian skater: F

Bullying Canadians: D-

Canadian Bullies: N/A (Except when they are talking about USA or to someone from USA, then D for Don’t care because it’s Canadians.)

Canada’s Ski-Cross lumberjack uniforms: A- (A+ if they’d been worn during opening ceremony.)

Being a lumberjack and being okay: A

Cliches: F

US Speed Skating’s scandalous and offensive naughty bits uniforms: D- (would love to hear the designers explain that design)

USA women defeating Canadian women for hockey gold: A

The match ending with a shootout: C+

Winning the shootout: A

Canadian Depression level after loss: C+

Canadian goalie ripping off silver medal: F

Drinking Canadian tears: B+

Odds that a big chunk of US team was actually from Canada: push

US men being eliminated from medal contention in hockey: D (for Don’t care because USA isn’t playing so sport is irrelevant.)

US men defeating Canadian men in Curling: A

USA being guaranteed highest finish ever in Curling: A

Canadian men missing out on chance at even a bronze medal: F (in Canada) D for Don’t Care (rest of world).

Odds that Canadian men’s team will be forced to settle outside of Canada: high

Odds of a national investigation into loss: high

The fact your humble editor actually watched hockey: push

 

 

Japanese television and online streaming have been dominated by Yuzuru Hanyu’s gold medal. Luckily, there are a few other things happening, although the Japanese press doesn’t seem to care.

Yuzuru Hanyu: A-

Shoma Uno: A-

Yuzuru Hanyu’s performance: A

Seeing Yuzuru Hanyu’s performance 24 hours straight: F

Simulcast failing in final 30 seconds of Hanyu’s actual performance: F

Men’s Free Skate: B

Winnie the Pooh: A

Eeyore: A+

Flinging Pooh: A

Flinging poo: F

Going there: D-

Hitting the easy ones: F

Totally Not Russian Russian team’s frown at their scores: A for not pretending.

Jin Boyang’s genuine joy: A

Genuine joy: A+

Possibility of genuine joy: C-

Japan finishing 1 and 2: A

Brian Orsor finishing 1 and 3: A

Brian Orsor’s income the next few years: A+

Javier Fernandez: A

Running real-time Technical Score: B

Potential for butt-hurt: F

Potential for controversy in a corrupt competition: F

Canada versus Sweden in Curling: A

Sport with the best sounds: Curling.

Samples:
Whatter ya’ tryin’ fer?
Never touch it. Never touch it.
Never. Never. Never.
It’s straight. It’s straight.
HARD! HARD! HARD!

Isabel Atkin: A

Great Britain’s first skiing medal: A

Fact that it come from an American: A+

Fact that it’s bronze: C

Delayed Medal Ceremony: D- for I just won a gold medal; let me get drunk NOW.

US Slopestyle ski suits: Maroon and Gray: B-. Maroon and Blue: A

Worst team uniforms: Norway’s curling trousers: F for wearing ugly Christmas sweater as trousers.

Watching three sports streams at once: E for Elvis.

Bobsled superimposing other sled to show actual victory distance: A for Really? Two-hundredths of a second is THAT far?

NBC screwing up Woman’s Super-G call: F

Ester Ledecka: A

Her Super-G run: A+

NBC: D-

All NBC announcers: F

US media in general: F

That’s all for now. More as it is discovered/created.

As we approach the halfway point of the 2018 Winter Olympics we are now dealing with an odd new controversy.

For reasons your humble editor doesn’t fully understand, Great Britain is a leader in Skeleton, or high-speed head-first ice tube sledding. It turns out this may have something to do with their ability to bend the rules on helmet and suit design.

Cheating: F

Bending the rules: B

Skeleton: A as it is the only ice tube sliding event your humble considers to be an actual sport.

Hurtling head first down an ice tube on an unsteerable bit of tubing and plastic: B

Great Britain: A-

Mikaela Shiffrin: A+

Collapsing in the snow: A for Adorable.

Giant Slalom: A

Slalom: B-

Super Giant Slalom: A-

Czech Republic’s migraine aura ski suits: F

Mexico’s Day of the Dead ski suits: A+

The fact that whenever a movie visits Mexico, or any place in Central or South America it is always during the Festival of the Dead: C- for cliche.

USA vs Slovenia in hockey: C for choke.

USA Vs Slovakia: A

Event that sounds dirty if you mispronounce it: Women’s Aerials

Women’s Aerials: B

Aerials in general: B

Yuzuru Hanyu: A-

Figure Skating: B-

Ski Jumping: B

Japan’s current performance in a sport it used to dominate: D-

Snowboard Cross: B-

Snowboarding: push still have never tried it.

That’s all for now. More as your humble editors learns it/makes it up.

On this day in the Olympics, whatever day it is, politics continues to influence events, but more on that in a bit.

 

Not realizing this is the 20th anniversary of this bit of nonsense: D

Realizing it’s the 20th anniversary: F+

Competition your humble editor should hate but can’t stop watching: Curling

OAR vs Norway Curling Mixed Doubles bronze medal match : A-

Your team being called OAR: F

Winning to get bronze: C

Losing to get silver: F

Canada vs Switzerland Curling Mixed Doubles gold medal match: A

Calling the match when you’re way behind: A-

Keeping hope alive: A, except when it prolongs an ass-whoopin’, then F

Killing hope dead: F, except when it shortens an ass-whoopin’, then A

Gettin’ your ass whooped: F

Abandonin’ “G” in your writin’ as a mere affectation: F

Favorite Curling announcer exchange:
Announcer 1 (with English accent): “Beautifully played again.”
Announcer 2 (with Irish accent): “Delightful really.”

Accidentally watching NBC’s Olympics coverage: F

NBC’s Coverage: NA for lack of actual sports coverage.

Coming out bigly against your country’s leaders on the world stage in a country that discriminates in the exact way you’re complaining about: F

Backtracking even more bigly: F

 

Wanted attention: B-

Unwanted attention: F

Dragging politics into the Olympics: F

Believing the Olympics isn’t political: F

Basically repeating same comment as before: F, for lazy.

Slopestyle vs Halfpipe: Slopestyle by far.

Shaun White: A

Ayumu Hirano: A-

Shaun White with short hair: push

Chloe Kim: A

Jamie Anderson: A

Seventeen-year-old competitors claiming two medals: A

The Olympic medal designs: A.  Your humble editor likes that design and the detail on the edges

 

This report poses some odd problems for your humble editor: The actual Olympics has been fairly boring and what wasn’t boring involved politics and not sports. Although politics is what your humble editor has longed long to avoid, a couple minor exceptions have been made.

Also, one of the things your humble editor has written about before is how young reporters discover old stories that they think are new. In this case, your humble editor has noticed a great deal of attention being given to the “bulges” of men’s luge competitors. This controversy takes your humble editor back to the early days of this bit of nonsense and the first Olympics report card from Nagano in 1998: Look here and scroll down to  “Bulbous Naughty Bits”.

Rereading  yourself and realizing you’ve changed your own rules on Opening Ceremonies: F

Rereading yourself: D-

Realizing you MAY have improved: B+

 

A few more grades:

Eurosport network playing “I want it all, and I want it now” for an event dedicated to peace and sportsmanship: C-

Believing the notion that the Olympics is actually about peace and sportsmanship: D-

The return of the North Korean all-woman synchronized creepy cheerleading squad after 14 years: B-

What will happen to the cheerleaders if they talk about what they’ve seen once they get back to Commie Hellhole(tm): F

(Note: According to the AP, part of the previous group of cheerleaders blabbed about the non-Commie Hellhole(tm) nature of the non-Commie Hellhole(tm) world and suddenly disappeared from the world stage. Scroll down a bit here and there’s more information.)

Commie Hellholes(tm): F

The US media officially losing its collective crap over head of Commie Hellhole’s(tm) propaganda group: F

Difference between “smile,” “smirk,” and “side-eye”: C-

Excessive use of(tm): F

Being too lazy to use the actual character: F

US Snowboard Team’s boring outfits: C

Red Gerard’s gold medal: A

Red Gerard’s Slopestyle run: A+

Phrases that sound dirty but probably aren’t: slopestyle run

Snowboard term that should be a band name: “Goofy Foot Rider”

Mirai Nagasu landing the Triple Axel: A

Endless Japanese coverage of Mirai Nagasu landing the Triple Axel: D

Spell check hating Axel vs Axle: C-

Not finding anything dreadful to mock: D-

 

More to come as your humble editor finds time to know it.