Tag Archives: Olympics

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2022 Reports

These reports from the NOW least wanted Olympics ever are brought to you by the words “Cheap” and “Products” and the letters S L A V E R and Y as well as the letters G E N O C I D and E.

These reports are also brought to you by the word “Salty”.

First, some initial grades:

Olympic Mascots:
Bing Dwen Dwen and Shuey Rhon Rhon
This is a pass/fail category with the only requirement being “Is it better than Izzy the Atlanta 1996 Mascot?”
Verdict: Pass+

Bing Dwen Dwen looking like a sleepy, drunk panda: B-

Panda’s generally looking sleepy and drunk: B
Being sleepy and drunk: A, for time to write an Olympics post.
Panda’s being forced to have sex and make babies: D, for let them die.

The names Bing Dwen Dwen and Shuey Rhon Rhon: A
The main mascot being named after Your Humble Editor: A
Delusions of grandeur: D-
Seeing your name misspelled: C-
Seeing your name misspelled for most of your life: D
Having people suddenly able to spell your name: A
Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson: A for charisma; C- for acting.
The name Dwayne: B-

Opening Ceremony Notes:
Opening Ceremony: F– This category is an automatic F, as all such ceremonies are glorified Super Bowl halftime shows. This one, however, earns a minus for unnecessary length and bonus minus for playing the song “Imagine”. As your Humble Editor wrote in 2018:

Anyone Singing “Imagine”: F for Kill it With Fire. (Imagine there’s no singer/ who sings that song again. / You may say I’m a dreamer / but it would be way awesome. / I hope some day it will be stopped / and the world will be awesome)

Children (who are not your own) Singing: D.

The odds that the singing children are only there because they’re cuter than the children actually singing: B for Beijing 2008.

Your own children actually singing: P for prayer plus C for cringe.
This applying to EVERY performance by your children: push

Torch: A. Your Humble Editor likes the twisted ribbon design.

Olympic Flame: A teeny tiny torch in a giant snowflake. F for WTF? This is a new level of suck.

The Parade of Athletes:
The theme of this parade of athletes was “warm, practical, and boring” with many teams dressing for the weather rather than for style.

Dressing for the weather rather than style: B for practical.
This style enabling witty comments: F
The ability to produce witty comments: Yet to be seen.

Greece: C- for boring.

Eritrea: B for cool mufflers.

Jamaica: C- for dayglo trousers under army green parkas.

Japan: D, for Gray and Red. Really?

Taiwan: B for the bright white and actual shape.

Hong Kong: F for RIP

Bringing politics to the Olympics: D
The notion that the Olympics are apolitical: F for laughable.
Salt: A

Ukraine: B at a distance, WTF up close.

Pakistan: B, for their green and white.

Israel: B- for the blue gradient style

Belarus A- for white jackets and teal. Also the mufflers and hats were cool.

India: Hats, A; uniform, C.

Nigeria: B, for style, but cabbage hats? Really?

Cabbage: A
Eating more cabbage since you’ve been in Japan than in the previous three decades combined: push

Canada: F-, for accidentally deploying avalanche air bags in stadium. This may be a new standard of bad. In the future we may ask “Is it worse than Canada?”

Kyrgystan: B for hats, splash of orange, and cool flag.

Spain: Boring, really boring.

Iran: D for accents celebrating 1970’s sofa upholstery chic.

1970’s upholstery: D.
1970’s curtains: D
The 1970’s: B+

Hungary: B- for short, white jackets and green caps.

Iceland: C- for their boring version of Hungary’s uniform

Finland. D. Light gray over gray. As they moved they looked like an avalanche of dirty snow, which may explain Canada’s uniform.

Croatia: C- boring, shapeless black with checkerboard hats.

Saudi Arabia: B+ for a winter adaptation of their traditional outfits.

Albania: As always: Uniform B-, Scarf A. But, no hats: B+

Argentina: C- for boring.

Great Britain: A-. The “hand knit” jumper, er, sweater look was cool. Your Humble Editor also appreciated the thinner coats and multiple colors.

Totally Not Russia: C- for their “gray”dient style, but in their defense, the uniform looked better from a distance.

France: B- for their “flying wedge” athlete deployment, but the actual tricolor uniform is a D.

Poland: C for basic white.

Puerto Rico: Mufflers, B; actual uniforms F.

Bolivia: C- for the all-black winter ninja look.

Ninjas: A (but never actually wore black)
Knowing an actual Ninja: C
Knowing she could kill you with a playing card: B
The odds she actually wanted to kill you: push
The odds she actually remembers you: C

Kazakhstan: Flag bearers, A; the rest get B-
Raising their Kazakhstan mufflers: B

The USA: C for the random mish-mash of styles
White uniform: B-
Blue and red uniform: C

American Samoa: A, Flag bearer only, for wearing just body oil and skirt in winter.
Japanese announcer reaction to this look: A for “I can’t believe it!”

the Netherlands: A for orange (short jackets only)

Georgia: A, men; women, A-

Colombia: ponchos/trashbag chic: B-; hats A

Ireland: Dayglo green. Really? But it was cooler than Canada’s uniform.

Haiti: C- for busy.

Czech Republic: B- for busy but with style.

Portugal: A-, the red on black was sharp.

Korea: C for the splattered ink look.
Splattering ink: C
Ink staining your fingers for several hours: B
When you’re at work: C
Owning dozens of bottles of ink: push

Austria: C- for the lobster bib look.

Switzerland: C- for the red avalanche look.

Mongolia: A, flagbearers; actual uniform, A-

New Zealand: B-, for the short jackets. Really, the all-black look has become cliche, but it is cooler than Canada (CTC).

Serbia: B- for bland but with some shape.

Mexico: A+ for freakin’ skulls. Freakin’ skulls! A++ for the skull on the hats.

Germany: B- for boring. Yellow Sand Trooper flap: D. What has the world come to when Germany looks better than Canada?

Monaco: A+ for the Godfather look complete with trench coats and fedoras.

The Godfather: A
Leave the gun, take the cannoli: B
Taking both the gun AND the cannoli: A
Cannolis: A

Australia: B- for the soldier camo look.
Note: She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO) thinks it’s a crocodile look.
Camo look: B
Crocodiles: A, from a distance. In the water with you: F, for F@#K I’m dead!
SWMBO: A/C Depends on the day.
Your Humble Editor: C/F Depends on the day.

Italy: D for the tricolor poncho, garbage bag chic look borrowed from France.

China: D for the all red uniforms. C for the beige and red.

That’s all for now. Your Humble Editor will be busy, but hopes to catch some sports. More if he can be bothered.

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 End of All That Edition

The Olympics ended with a few pleasant surprises and no small amount of Canadian tears.

USA winning gold medal in Men’s Curling: A

Number of Americans who care: >100

Number of Canadians who care: Many Many Many

Number of depressed Canadians: Many Many Many

Odds that Canadian Prime Minister Socksy Dancer will have to resign: Strong

Canadian losing to Germany in Men’s Hockey: F (For Canadians); Who cares? (For everyone else.)

Canada winning bronze: D- (for Canadians); Who cares? (For everyone else.)

Canadian team questioning goal and calling for video replay: F

Canadian announcer questioning Canadian teams questioning of goal: push

Video replay in hockey: F for WTF?

Odds of Canadian Government investigation into team selection process: High

Odds Canadian Prime Minister Socksy Dancer will be beheaded: push

Japan’s women making Curling final four: A

Japan winning bronze: A

Great Britain going for win only to lose: push

Yoshida Chinami: A

Takagi Nana’s gold in speed skating: A

Japan getting 13 medals (which is more than Nagano total): A

 

Closing Ceremony
Score: Automatic F

US uniforms: B+

Japan’s uniforms: B (the blue and gray hats and scarves were odd but looked good with red coat).

Thirteen year old guitar player: A-

Electric bungee TRON boys: F for WTF?

Drone formations: B+

Drone swarms: C

Forgetting lessons of the The Terminator: F

The Terminator: A

Every Terminator movie after The Terminator: F

Linda Hamilton in The Terminator: A

Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2: Judgement Day: A-

K-Pop: B

Endless K-Pop in closing ceremony: F

Image Mapping: A

On shadow dancers: A

Dancing in the shadows: A

“Shadow Dancing”: C

All this and nothing more: F

’70s references: F

Of songs you didn’t even like: F

Confusing “Shadow Dancing” with “Slow Dancing”: F

Johnny Rivers: B

Andy Gibb: B-

Dying young: F

Speeches: Automatic F.

That’s all for now. The next Olympics, in 2020, will be in Tokyo which will add a level of intensity to the proceedings.

Until then, take care and have fun.

 

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 Scandalous Edition

The short hiatus is over and that means it’s time to deal with a few Olympic Scandals.

Katie Couric’s comments on people in the Netherlands skating to work: F

Katie Couric opening mouth to speak: F

Japan winning gold medal in Pursuit: A

Japan exceeding Nagano medal tally: A

South Korean pursuit skaters bullying teammate during and after race: F

South Korean’s bullying Canadian skater: F

Bullying Canadians: D-

Canadian Bullies: N/A (Except when they are talking about USA or to someone from USA, then D for Don’t care because it’s Canadians.)

Canada’s Ski-Cross lumberjack uniforms: A- (A+ if they’d been worn during opening ceremony.)

Being a lumberjack and being okay: A

Cliches: F

US Speed Skating’s scandalous and offensive naughty bits uniforms: D- (would love to hear the designers explain that design)

USA women defeating Canadian women for hockey gold: A

The match ending with a shootout: C+

Winning the shootout: A

Canadian Depression level after loss: C+

Canadian goalie ripping off silver medal: F

Drinking Canadian tears: B+

Odds that a big chunk of US team was actually from Canada: push

US men being eliminated from medal contention in hockey: D (for Don’t care because USA isn’t playing so sport is irrelevant.)

US men defeating Canadian men in Curling: A

USA being guaranteed highest finish ever in Curling: A

Canadian men missing out on chance at even a bronze medal: F (in Canada) D for Don’t Care (rest of world).

Odds that Canadian men’s team will be forced to settle outside of Canada: high

Odds of a national investigation into loss: high

The fact your humble editor actually watched hockey: push

 

 

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 Day Eleven-or-so Edition

Japanese television and online streaming have been dominated by Yuzuru Hanyu’s gold medal. Luckily, there are a few other things happening, although the Japanese press doesn’t seem to care.

Yuzuru Hanyu: A-

Shoma Uno: A-

Yuzuru Hanyu’s performance: A

Seeing Yuzuru Hanyu’s performance 24 hours straight: F

Simulcast failing in final 30 seconds of Hanyu’s actual performance: F

Men’s Free Skate: B

Winnie the Pooh: A

Eeyore: A+

Flinging Pooh: A

Flinging poo: F

Going there: D-

Hitting the easy ones: F

Totally Not Russian Russian team’s frown at their scores: A for not pretending.

Jin Boyang’s genuine joy: A

Genuine joy: A+

Possibility of genuine joy: C-

Japan finishing 1 and 2: A

Brian Orsor finishing 1 and 3: A

Brian Orsor’s income the next few years: A+

Javier Fernandez: A

Running real-time Technical Score: B

Potential for butt-hurt: F

Potential for controversy in a corrupt competition: F

Canada versus Sweden in Curling: A

Sport with the best sounds: Curling.

Samples:
Whatter ya’ tryin’ fer?
Never touch it. Never touch it.
Never. Never. Never.
It’s straight. It’s straight.
HARD! HARD! HARD!

Isabel Atkin: A

Great Britain’s first skiing medal: A

Fact that it come from an American: A+

Fact that it’s bronze: C

Delayed Medal Ceremony: D- for I just won a gold medal; let me get drunk NOW.

US Slopestyle ski suits: Maroon and Gray: B-. Maroon and Blue: A

Worst team uniforms: Norway’s curling trousers: F for wearing ugly Christmas sweater as trousers.

Watching three sports streams at once: E for Elvis.

Bobsled superimposing other sled to show actual victory distance: A for Really? Two-hundredths of a second is THAT far?

NBC screwing up Woman’s Super-G call: F

Ester Ledecka: A

Her Super-G run: A+

NBC: D-

All NBC announcers: F

US media in general: F

That’s all for now. More as it is discovered/created.

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 Middle-ish Day Edition

As we approach the halfway point of the 2018 Winter Olympics we are now dealing with an odd new controversy.

For reasons your humble editor doesn’t fully understand, Great Britain is a leader in Skeleton, or high-speed head-first ice tube sledding. It turns out this may have something to do with their ability to bend the rules on helmet and suit design.

Cheating: F

Bending the rules: B

Skeleton: A as it is the only ice tube sliding event your humble considers to be an actual sport.

Hurtling head first down an ice tube on an unsteerable bit of tubing and plastic: B

Great Britain: A-

Mikaela Shiffrin: A+

Collapsing in the snow: A for Adorable.

Giant Slalom: A

Slalom: B-

Super Giant Slalom: A-

Czech Republic’s migraine aura ski suits: F

Mexico’s Day of the Dead ski suits: A+

The fact that whenever a movie visits Mexico, or any place in Central or South America it is always during the Festival of the Dead: C- for cliche.

USA vs Slovenia in hockey: C for choke.

USA Vs Slovakia: A

Event that sounds dirty if you mispronounce it: Women’s Aerials

Women’s Aerials: B

Aerials in general: B

Yuzuru Hanyu: A-

Figure Skating: B-

Ski Jumping: B

Japan’s current performance in a sport it used to dominate: D-

Snowboard Cross: B-

Snowboarding: push still have never tried it.

That’s all for now. More as your humble editors learns it/makes it up.

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 Gold Medal Edition

On this day in the Olympics, whatever day it is, politics continues to influence events, but more on that in a bit.

 

Not realizing this is the 20th anniversary of this bit of nonsense: D

Realizing it’s the 20th anniversary: F+

Competition your humble editor should hate but can’t stop watching: Curling

OAR vs Norway Curling Mixed Doubles bronze medal match : A-

Your team being called OAR: F

Winning to get bronze: C

Losing to get silver: F

Canada vs Switzerland Curling Mixed Doubles gold medal match: A

Calling the match when you’re way behind: A-

Keeping hope alive: A, except when it prolongs an ass-whoopin’, then F

Killing hope dead: F, except when it shortens an ass-whoopin’, then A

Gettin’ your ass whooped: F

Abandonin’ “G” in your writin’ as a mere affectation: F

Favorite Curling announcer exchange:
Announcer 1 (with English accent): “Beautifully played again.”
Announcer 2 (with Irish accent): “Delightful really.”

Accidentally watching NBC’s Olympics coverage: F

NBC’s Coverage: NA for lack of actual sports coverage.

Coming out bigly against your country’s leaders on the world stage in a country that discriminates in the exact way you’re complaining about: F

Backtracking even more bigly: F

 

Wanted attention: B-

Unwanted attention: F

Dragging politics into the Olympics: F

Believing the Olympics isn’t political: F

Basically repeating same comment as before: F, for lazy.

Slopestyle vs Halfpipe: Slopestyle by far.

Shaun White: A

Ayumu Hirano: A-

Shaun White with short hair: push

Chloe Kim: A

Jamie Anderson: A

Seventeen-year-old competitors claiming two medals: A

The Olympic medal designs: A.  Your humble editor likes that design and the detail on the edges

 

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 Day Something Something

This report poses some odd problems for your humble editor: The actual Olympics has been fairly boring and what wasn’t boring involved politics and not sports. Although politics is what your humble editor has longed long to avoid, a couple minor exceptions have been made.

Also, one of the things your humble editor has written about before is how young reporters discover old stories that they think are new. In this case, your humble editor has noticed a great deal of attention being given to the “bulges” of men’s luge competitors. This controversy takes your humble editor back to the early days of this bit of nonsense and the first Olympics report card from Nagano in 1998: Look here and scroll down to  “Bulbous Naughty Bits”.

Rereading  yourself and realizing you’ve changed your own rules on Opening Ceremonies: F

Rereading yourself: D-

Realizing you MAY have improved: B+

 

A few more grades:

Eurosport network playing “I want it all, and I want it now” for an event dedicated to peace and sportsmanship: C-

Believing the notion that the Olympics is actually about peace and sportsmanship: D-

The return of the North Korean all-woman synchronized creepy cheerleading squad after 14 years: B-

What will happen to the cheerleaders if they talk about what they’ve seen once they get back to Commie Hellhole(tm): F

(Note: According to the AP, part of the previous group of cheerleaders blabbed about the non-Commie Hellhole(tm) nature of the non-Commie Hellhole(tm) world and suddenly disappeared from the world stage. Scroll down a bit here and there’s more information.)

Commie Hellholes(tm): F

The US media officially losing its collective crap over head of Commie Hellhole’s(tm) propaganda group: F

Difference between “smile,” “smirk,” and “side-eye”: C-

Excessive use of(tm): F

Being too lazy to use the actual character: F

US Snowboard Team’s boring outfits: C

Red Gerard’s gold medal: A

Red Gerard’s Slopestyle run: A+

Phrases that sound dirty but probably aren’t: slopestyle run

Snowboard term that should be a band name: “Goofy Foot Rider”

Mirai Nagasu landing the Triple Axel: A

Endless Japanese coverage of Mirai Nagasu landing the Triple Axel: D

Spell check hating Axel vs Axle: C-

Not finding anything dreadful to mock: D-

 

More to come as your humble editor finds time to know it.

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 Reports

It’s an even numbered year and that means it’s time for your humble editor to emerge from hibernation and write a few comments and give a few grades.

But first, a few basic grades:

Winter Olympics: A
Summer Olympics: A-

Olympic Mascot Soohorang
This is a pass/fail category with the only requirement being “Is it better than Izzy the Atlanta 1996 Mascot?”
Verdict: Pass

White tigers: A for cool.

White Tiger (band): D

Glam Metal bands: D-

Shockingly Obscure ’80s band references: F

Opening Ceremony:
Automatic F as all opening ceremonies are glorified Super Bowl half-time shows. However, it was relatively short so F+

Justin Timberlake: D-

Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl halftime show outfit: F for WTF? (Camo, vomit, and an orange bandana?)

Video Game cut-scene intros: B

Video Game cut-scenes involving kids: C-

English announcer phrase that sounded dirty but probably isn’t: “Sliding Center”.

Parade of Athletes:
This year’s Olympics parade of athletes poses an interesting problem in that 1) the Winter Olympics is happening in a place where it’s actually winter, and 2) it’s happening in a place where it’s actually cold. This has had a horrible impact on opening ceremony fashion as many teams were dressed for warmth not style.

Dressing Practically: A

Having to comment on practical dress: D

Athletes in Winter Olympics complaining that it’s cold: C-
(Normally this would be an F but given that the last Winter Olympics was based at a beach resort your humble editor has been forced to adjust things a bit.)

Lion King sequence: F

Lion King sequence including insects: A

The Lion King: B

The circle of life: A

The Circle of Life (song): C

Having The Circle of Life stuck in your head: F

Drum Sequence: B-

Light Show: B-

Fireworks Dance at end: B+

Fireworks: A

Asian love of fireworks: inexplicable. (Note: your humble editor suspects that someone told Kim Jong Un that nuclear weapons are just big fireworks and that’s why he’s in such a hurry to build big ones.)

Mocking nuclear holocaust when you’re only a couple dozen miles from a major target: A

Ghana: Outfits: B- Dancing: A (Note: a great many teams spent a lot of time dancing. Why?)

Ghana Chocolate: A

Disco dancers along athletes’ path: C- (but they were the warmest people in the stadium.

Disco music: C

Dancing to disco music: D

Dancing in general: D

Making your stadium the shape of a pentagon just to be different: A

Being the guy suck in the seat at one of the five corners: F

The Pentagon: C-

Nigeria: B+ Odd colors but loved the green head covers.

Netherlands: B- Great color but boring.

New Zealand: A for All Black. (They win the Ninja Chic Award.)

Denmark: A- for basic black and white.

Germany: B+ which, for Germany, is technically an A. The tan coat was a bit bland but they looked sharp rather than embarrassing.

Suddenly the world doesn’t make sense.

Latvia: A The touch of pattern on the hats and sleeves worked well.

Malaysia: C- for the odd tiger back.

Mexico: B for stealing the ninja look from New Zealand.

Malta: Flag Bearer: A; Uniform: B

USA: Jackets, boots, and hats: A
Fringe leather gloves. Fringe. Leather. Gloves. Leather gloves with fringe:
E for Elvis.

Bermuda: A+ Shorts in winter. (Then again, after Sochi, they were probably a bit confused.)

Belarus: B- Great pattern on scarf lost on red jacket.

Bolivia D for DayGlo green and red trousers.

The abundance of DayGlo green at this ceremony: F (This was almost as prevalent as basic black.)

Bulgaria: B For some reason the DayGlo actually worked.

San Marino: F for migraine aura pattern.

Serbia: F as they appeared to be wearing lobster bibs.

Lobster: A

Rock Lobster: B-

Bibs: C-

The B-52s: B

B-52: A if they’re on your side. F if not.

Sweden: A (from a distance) B- (up close)

Switzerland: A Liked the red on gray, even though many teams sported the same look.

Slovakia: A  The black and white fleeces were sharp.

Excessive use of “sharp”: D-

Slovenia: F Appeared to have been dipped in a vat of toxic green paint.

Iceland: A (Flag bearer only.)

Ireland: F The green and blue meant the Irish were competing for worst look.

Azerbaijan: A as the black trench coats were cool.

Trying to spell Azerbaijan: F

Googling Azerbaijan to confirm how to spell it: B

Albania: A but only for the double headed eagle scarves.

Great Britain: A   Liked the splash of red on blue.

The Olympic Athletes from Russia: B+

Marching under a different flag: F

Cheating on drug tests: F

Peeing in cups: D

Japan: C- Painfully bright red jackets with white boots. Hmmm.

Jamaica: A for uniform with dark green trousers: F for uniform with toxic green trousers.

Georgia: A+ Your humble editor’s favorite as they actually brought some color and style.

China: C for boring.

Czech Republic: A for the impromptu wave. B- the white on blue outfits.

Kazakhstan: F for the ugly blue gradient trench coats.

Canada: B for Boring But Better Gloves than USA.

Fringe Leather Gloves. Really?

Colombia: Hats A; ponchos C- for the trash bag chic.

Togo: F for Toxic green plus mustard. Probably the ugliest uniforms.

Toxic Green: D

The Toxic Avenger: B

Tonga: B

Pita Taufatofua: A Once again he wins the opening ceremony wearing only a grass skirt and body oil.

France: B Simple but stylish. Head band in lieu of hat: C

Finland: Men: A Women F or the Aqua plus vomit jackets.

Korea: Boring

United Korea: A

Korea united under capitalism: A

China imagining a united capitalist Korea: F

North Korea turning South Korea into a communist Shit hole: F

Sanctimony over alleged use of phrase “shit hole”: F

Speeches: F

Eating supper during speeches: A

Pumpkin Gratin: A

Anyone Singing “Imagine”: F for Kill it With Fire. (Imagine there’s no singer/ who sings that song again. / You may say I’m a dreamer / but it would be way awesome. / I hope some day it will be stopped / and the world will be awesome)

British announcer implying that singing the song was a bad idea: A-

Torch Lighting: B

Flaming Snake Thing: B+

Black Snake Firework: A (at age two); F (Any age above two.)

Kim Yeon-ah: A

That’s all for the opening ceremony.

More to follow as your humble editor finds time to watch actual sports.

 

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Summer Olympics 2016 Closing It Out

End of Days Notes:
Brazil’s men’s soccer team earning right to remain alive: A

Drug controversies: C-

Peeing in a cup: D

Peeing near a gas station: D

Angering security guard: D

Lying about it: F

Angering entire country because you lied about it: F+ (but kind of epic, in a way)

Caster Semenya controversy: B

Caster Semenya:  A

Being forced to take drugs to suppress natural advantage: F

Harrison Bergeron: A

As a guidebook for sports and government: F

Kurt Vonnegut: A

National Basketball Association players in Olympics: F

Only US team your humble editor wanted to see lose: US Men’s basketball team.

NBA refusing to do business in North Carolina over gender classification of water closets: push

NBA players participating in event with teams divided only as “men” and “women”: F

Selective outrage: F

Closing Ceremony Notes
Official Score: Automatic F

Flower chicken dancers making landmarks: C-

Complete with moving cable car: C

Almost forming Touchdown Jesus: A

Jesus: A

Couple playing with balls: C-

Jokes that write themselves: A

Not hitting the easy ones: B-

Easy ones: A

Image mapping Brazil’s flag on glowing kids: B

Carmen Miranda dancer: A-

France’s casual cool: A

France’s Olympic uniforms in general: A

US medal ceremony uniforms: A- (hampered only by the day-glo shoes)

Canada’s closing ceremony uniforms: B
Cap bills properly curved: A
All others: F
Wearing mittens at the Summer Olympics: A

Australia: B+

Australian athlete carrying a beer: A

Beer: B+

Japan’s uniforms:
Women: A
Men: B

Return of oiled, mostly naked Pita Taufatofua: A

Topless men: B+

Almost topless women: C-

Unfair gender bias in lack of clothing: F

Shameless exploitation: B+

Sexy samba dancers: A

Being a sexy samba dancer in the Tokyo region:
Last two weeks: A+
After today: D

Your humble editor doing sexy samba:
Self image: B+
Reality: Grandpa’s having a seizure.

Great Britain’s closing ceremony uniforms: B

Great Britain Uniforms in general: A-

British athletes not having umbrellas: C-

Wearing raincoats during the parade: C-

Shoes with built-in flashing lights:
On toddlers: A
On grown ups: C

The communist jerk that invented squeaky shoes for kids: burn in hell

Portugal’s Jean Jackets: B-

US closing ceremony uniforms: A- (blue shirt only; Red B; White C+)

Ukraine’s migraine aura jackets: D

Migraines: F

A mass of “Unity” that makes it hard to see team uniforms: F

Blaming others for own journalistic failures: D-

Showing dancers instead of athletes: F

Robot doll bug-eyed dancers with fake hair: D for creepy and terrifying

Tokyo’s part of the show: A-

Yuriko Koike: A

Prime Minister Super Mario Abe: C

Sour-faced Mario: C

Money spent sending Abe and Koike to Brazil: C

Hours spent playing Super Mario: no comment

Travelling with assist from Doraemon: A

Boring hole through center of Earth: C-

Subsequent volcanoes and destruction of both Rio and Tokyo: A (for excellent movie)

The Core: F

Journey to the Center of the Earth: B-

Having a speech just when everything seems over: D

The speech going on unmercifully long: F

The speech going beyond unmerciful: F-

The speech continuing after that: <expletive deleted>

Content of speech: peace, love, unity, nature, environment, brotherhood, sisterhood, blah, blah, blah, blah blah: D for cliché.

Your humble editor’s reaction to speech:  Shut the <expletive deleted> up already!

Chance your humble editor’s youngest daughter has learned a new expletive laden phrase: push

Having a second speech after first: sigh

Giving up: C

Artistic barf after speeches: C-

Mariene de Castro: A

Song: B-

Putting out Olympic flame with fake rain on a rainy day: push

Whirlygig thing behind Olympic flame: C+

Rio Olympics in General: A-

Well, with no more Olympics to analyze, that’s the end of this little invasion. Your humble editor hopes you enjoyed these updates (and have noticed the donate button around here somewhere).

Hope to see you in 2018 for the PyeongChang Winter Olympics.

Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Summer Olympics 2016 Another Day Another Delay

Your humble editor has recovered from his time off and noticed a few things about the current Olympics because, thankfully, some of the athletes have decided to contribute to the column.

Focusing on mistakes and controversy rather than success and accomplishment: C

Success and accomplishment: A

10 K open water swim ending in controversy: A

The controversy being the only excitement in the broadcast: C-

Open water swimming in a large toilet: F

Watching open water swimming in a large toilet: F

Bicycle racing: A

Alien looking helmets: B-

Alien: A+

Aliens: A+ (for different reasons)

Every Alien movie after that: C-

Nuking the place from orbit to be sure: A

Making that joke right after the anniversaries of Hiroshima and Nagasaki: push

Your humble editor’s better half’s opinion of such jokes: <expletives deleted>

Bicycle elimination race: A

Laura Trott: A+

Shaunae Miller diving across finish line to win 400 meter race: A+

Spring board diving: B

Ten meter platform diving: Why is this necessary?

Ryan Lochte: A or F depending on details.

Lying to police: F

Lying about police: F

Lying about fake police: F

Odds police are lying to salvage national pride: push

Helen Maroulis: A+

Saori Yoshida: A

Japan women’s wrestling: A+

Risako Kuwai: A

Risako Kuwai body slamming her coach. Twice: A

Getting elbowed in 4X100 meter relay: F

Running against empty track to qualify: push

Allyson Felix: A

Taekwondo: A

Watching Olympic Taekwondo: B (everyone’s too good for it to be fun to watch except in slow motion.)

Kim Rhode: A+

Being first Olympian ever to medal in six straight Olympics: A