These reports from the NOW least wanted Olympics ever are brought to you by the words “Cheap” and “Products” and the letters S L A V E R and Y as well as the letters G E N O C I D and E.
These reports are also brought to you by the word “Salty”.
First, some initial grades:
Bing Dwen Dwen and Shuey Rhon Rhon
This is a pass/fail category with the only requirement being “Is it better than Izzy the Atlanta 1996 Mascot?”
Bing Dwen Dwen looking like a sleepy, drunk panda: B-
Panda’s generally looking sleepy and drunk: B
Being sleepy and drunk: A, for time to write an Olympics post.
Panda’s being forced to have sex and make babies: D, for let them die.
The names Bing Dwen Dwen and Shuey Rhon Rhon: A
The main mascot being named after Your Humble Editor: A
Delusions of grandeur: D-
Seeing your name misspelled: C-
Seeing your name misspelled for most of your life: D
Having people suddenly able to spell your name: A
Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson: A for charisma; C- for acting.
The name Dwayne: B-
Opening Ceremony Notes:
Opening Ceremony: F– This category is an automatic F, as all such ceremonies are glorified Super Bowl halftime shows. This one, however, earns a minus for unnecessary length and bonus minus for playing the song “Imagine”. As your Humble Editor wrote in 2018:
Anyone Singing “Imagine”: F for Kill it With Fire. (Imagine there’s no singer/ who sings that song again. / You may say I’m a dreamer / but it would be way awesome. / I hope some day it will be stopped / and the world will be awesome)
Children (who are not your own) Singing: D.
The odds that the singing children are only there because they’re cuter than the children actually singing: B for Beijing 2008.
Your own children actually singing: P for prayer plus C for cringe.
This applying to EVERY performance by your children: push
Torch: A. Your Humble Editor likes the twisted ribbon design.
Olympic Flame: A teeny tiny torch in a giant snowflake. F for WTF? This is a new level of suck.
The Parade of Athletes:
The theme of this parade of athletes was “warm, practical, and boring” with many teams dressing for the weather rather than for style.
Dressing for the weather rather than style: B for practical.
This style enabling witty comments: F
The ability to produce witty comments: Yet to be seen.
Greece: C- for boring.
Eritrea: B for cool mufflers.
Jamaica: C- for dayglo trousers under army green parkas.
Japan: D, for Gray and Red. Really?
Taiwan: B for the bright white and actual shape.
Hong Kong: F for RIP
Bringing politics to the Olympics: D
The notion that the Olympics are apolitical: F for laughable.
Ukraine: B at a distance, WTF up close.
Pakistan: B, for their green and white.
Israel: B- for the blue gradient style
Belarus A- for white jackets and teal. Also the mufflers and hats were cool.
India: Hats, A; uniform, C.
Nigeria: B, for style, but cabbage hats? Really?
Eating more cabbage since you’ve been in Japan than in the previous three decades combined: push
Canada: F-, for accidentally deploying avalanche air bags in stadium. This may be a new standard of bad. In the future we may ask “Is it worse than Canada?”
Kyrgystan: B for hats, splash of orange, and cool flag.
Spain: Boring, really boring.
Iran: D for accents celebrating 1970’s sofa upholstery chic.
1970’s upholstery: D.
1970’s curtains: D
The 1970’s: B+
Hungary: B- for short, white jackets and green caps.
Iceland: C- for their boring version of Hungary’s uniform
Finland. D. Light gray over gray. As they moved they looked like an avalanche of dirty snow, which may explain Canada’s uniform.
Croatia: C- boring, shapeless black with checkerboard hats.
Saudi Arabia: B+ for a winter adaptation of their traditional outfits.
Albania: As always: Uniform B-, Scarf A. But, no hats: B+
Argentina: C- for boring.
Great Britain: A-. The “hand knit” jumper, er, sweater look was cool. Your Humble Editor also appreciated the thinner coats and multiple colors.
Totally Not Russia: C- for their “gray”dient style, but in their defense, the uniform looked better from a distance.
France: B- for their “flying wedge” athlete deployment, but the actual tricolor uniform is a D.
Poland: C for basic white.
Puerto Rico: Mufflers, B; actual uniforms F.
Bolivia: C- for the all-black winter ninja look.
Ninjas: A (but never actually wore black)
Knowing an actual Ninja: C
Knowing she could kill you with a playing card: B
The odds she actually wanted to kill you: push
The odds she actually remembers you: C
Kazakhstan: Flag bearers, A; the rest get B-
Raising their Kazakhstan mufflers: B
The USA: C for the random mish-mash of styles
White uniform: B-
Blue and red uniform: C
American Samoa: A, Flag bearer only, for wearing just body oil and skirt in winter.
Japanese announcer reaction to this look: A for “I can’t believe it!”
the Netherlands: A for orange (short jackets only)
Georgia: A, men; women, A-
Colombia: ponchos/trashbag chic: B-; hats A
Ireland: Dayglo green. Really? But it was cooler than Canada’s uniform.
Haiti: C- for busy.
Czech Republic: B- for busy but with style.
Portugal: A-, the red on black was sharp.
Korea: C for the splattered ink look.
Splattering ink: C
Ink staining your fingers for several hours: B
When you’re at work: C
Owning dozens of bottles of ink: push
Austria: C- for the lobster bib look.
Switzerland: C- for the red avalanche look.
Mongolia: A, flagbearers; actual uniform, A-
New Zealand: B-, for the short jackets. Really, the all-black look has become cliche, but it is cooler than Canada (CTC).
Serbia: B- for bland but with some shape.
Mexico: A+ for freakin’ skulls. Freakin’ skulls! A++ for the skull on the hats.
Germany: B- for boring. Yellow Sand Trooper flap: D. What has the world come to when Germany looks better than Canada?
Monaco: A+ for the Godfather look complete with trench coats and fedoras.
The Godfather: A
Leave the gun, take the cannoli: B
Taking both the gun AND the cannoli: A
Australia: B- for the soldier camo look.
Note: She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO) thinks it’s a crocodile look.
Camo look: B
Crocodiles: A, from a distance. In the water with you: F, for F@#K I’m dead!
SWMBO: A/C Depends on the day.
Your Humble Editor: C/F Depends on the day.
Italy: D for the tricolor poncho, garbage bag chic look borrowed from France.
China: D for the all red uniforms. C for the beige and red.
That’s all for now. Your Humble Editor will be busy, but hopes to catch some sports. More if he can be bothered.