Tag Archives: soccer

The Invasion of the Little People in Green, Orange and Red

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In an earlier post about the World Cup and my strange connection to soccer, I neglected to mention one of my direct connections to soccer which is odd because it’s the only one to which I can pin a specific date: May 26, 1993.

Basically, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, Albania managed to pull itself together enough to field a national soccer team and compete in World Cup qualifying. A couple teams had already come and gone but the one that got me occurred when, for reasons I don’t remember, I headed down toward the stadium and encountered a bunch of sunburned, freaked out people dressed in orange and green.

They were followers of the Republic of Ireland national team and lot of them had just stepped off a bus from Corfu, Greece where they’d gotten too much sun. Others had just stepped off the plane direct from Ireland and were pale white and freaked out. Because I was cleaner than the average Albanian, not hitting them up for cigarettes and/or money, and because they interpreted my shirt (which I thought had blue stripes) as having green stripes, I was immediately declared a member of the tribe and shanghaied to act as translator. They paid my way in (100 lek or about a dollar) and started handing me cans of beer.

Who was I to say no?

It was my first experience with football culture and the groups of people who follow the team around. One woman, who eventually became a pen pal for a while, planned to follow the team all over Europe. I didn’t ask how they afforded all that, but years later met someone who said, even if they were on the dole, they’d been saving since the last World Cup to follow the team.

The group I was with carried a flag with “Hill 270 is here” on it (or maybe 271 or 272 I don’t remember and my journal from that time is buried).  Whatever the number was, because they had Irish accents I didn’t fully understand the explanation of what that meant (Ahh, havingitalittletingwedofordelaods”) but I gleaned it had something to do with a pub. As I drank more and came to understand Irish better, they explained some basics of the game (Ayedeyaredoinmoredenjustrunninoutderdeyare) and some rule changes. If I understood them correctly the powers what are had either changed the rules or were about to change the rules to prevent goalies from picking up kicks from their own teammates. This was apparently supposed to speed up the game and encourage scoring. (Mission accomplished. ???) There was also talk of making the goal bigger and shrinking and or eliminating the penalty area or the goalie’s box or, ah, hell, UhI’llbehavinanoderbeerderbroder.

My favorite moment was when an Irish midfielder made a weak effort to get the ball past an Albanian midfielder. One of the Irishmen I was with yelled “Commitment, WhateverHisNameWas. We need a little commitment.” He and another Irishman then made eye contact and said “UhAye, we need the bleedin’ Commitments.”

Albania scored first but ended up losing 2-1 thanks to a free kick and some very dodgy play on a corner kick (at least the Albanians thought so). Here are the highlights from Spanish TV as shown on Albanian TV. (Warning, they are in Spanish and there are some scrambled bits.) You can almost see me at around 1:50-52. I’m in the shadows a couple rows above the flag on the far left.

The Hill 270 flag was stolen by some random Albanian whilst the Irish were celebrating and, after a brief fit of anger, they all just decided to make a new flag with “Hill 270 is here AGAIN” or something like that.

I drank a few more beers with them and got them back to their bus. I stayed in contact with the one lady for a while and then lost touch. It happened during one of my many transition  phases during my service and it cheered me up. I was having a great time I did.

 

A Beautiful Game of Two Halves and Lots of Divers

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For reasons I don’t fully understand, I’ve always had a strange connection to soccer. Jim Millinder, my cousin twice, or thrice or quadrice (?) removed was on the US U-20 team in 1976 and played in the now defunct North American Soccer League and the Major Indoor Soccer League and has had a long career as a coach.

When I was in elementary school, as I’ve mentioned before, some NASL player from Europe (or some other place with funny accents) visited Hayden, Colorado on a publicity tour and taught us a few things about the game and patiently answered our questions. (My brilliant question: Why do goalies wear different uniforms?)

Then, at university, mostly because someone held a gun to my head, I played intramural soccer with my fraternity. I played defense and my only skills were 1) the offside trap and 2) getting burned spectacularly by anyone with even basic soccer ability. Also, the one time I played forward I verified the ability of my, um, naughty bits to withstand blunt-force trauma which, in its own odd way, is a skill.

I bring this up to establish my bonafides because today marks the start of the World Cup which is, to my eye, a very schizophrenic beast. First, it’s divided into two halves: the group phase and the elimination round. This is because, after four years of play, the powers what are at FIFA still can’t figure out who the best 16 teams are so they invite 32, put them into eight groups of four and let them play each other. The problem is, that once a team has qualified, they pretty much stop playing in order to preserve their best players and keep them from getting penalties. This means there’s at least one game with lots of running about hither and thither in the field, but not much of interest going on. The best 16 teams then play a single elimination tournament that is actually quite entertaining because, at long last, after four years and three extra matches, every match finally counts.

The other problem the World Cup has is the tendency of players to take a dive every time an opposing player gets near them and/or uses harsh language. This slows the game down–remember, all they are doing is running around in a field anyway–and, quite frankly, makes the best players in the world look like a bunch of shin-grabbing wussies.

I would, therefore, like to propose a few changes to help spice up the World Cup and make it more interesting, especially if the powers what are insist on keeping the group phase.

First, if any player takes an obvious dive, the referee is authorized to kick the body part being clutched by the crybaby poser.

Second, any player who falls down and acts as if he’s been shot in the face, will actually be shot in the face by the referee.

Third, the physical red cards will be eliminated and replaced with Tasers to eliminate excessive protesting by player being sent off.

Fourth, the offside rule will be eliminated, but the defenders and the goalie will be authorized to use body checks, holds and trips to defend the goal.

Fifth, penalty kicks will begin with the goalie and the kicker sitting back to back halfway between the ball and the goal.

Sixth, rival countries may use any World Cup match to officially resolve any territorial disputes.

Seventh, during the slow part of the group phase, or during outbreaks of boring defensive play, cameras will immediately switch to identifying attractive people in the crowd. The team with the most attractive fans may add two goals to their goal differential.

Eighth, as used to be tradition, at least one half of each match will be played rugby football style.

I think these suggestions speak for themselves and I look forward to seeing them implemented in 2018, especially if I can get myself appointed FIFA commissioner in time.